What Does A Healthy Relationship Really Look Like? Part 1

What Does a Healthy Relationship Really Look Like? Part 1

What does a healthy relationship actually look like?

Is it never arguing?

Never getting irritated with each other?

Never hurting each other's feelings?

Never having disagreements?

I don't think so.

I think a healthy relationship is two imperfect people who are willing to keep choosing each other—even when things aren't perfect.

Because let's face it...

Relationships aren't always easy.

There will be disagreements.

There will be bad moods.

There will be financial stress, family problems, work problems, misunderstandings, and days when one person just isn't themselves.

That's life.

The difference is how you treat each other when life gets hard.

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about difficult things without the conversation automatically turning into a disrespectful argument.

You should be able to say:

"That hurt my feelings."

"I'm worried about our finances."

"I'm not comfortable with this."

"I need something from you."

"I'm unhappy about what's happening."

And your partner should be able to listen.

That doesn't mean they have to automatically agree. Listening isn't agreeing.

Sometimes your partner may see things completely differently than you do. That's okay.

You can disagree without belittling each other. You can be frustrated without being disrespectful. You can be angry without trying to hurt each other.

And you should be able to walk away from a difficult conversation knowing that your partner still respects you—even though you didn't see eye to eye.

I've heard the saying, "Happy wife, happy life."

And while it's usually said as a joke, I actually believe there's some truth behind it.

But I'd change it slightly:

Happy partner, happier relationship.

Your partner's happiness should matter to you. Their feelings should matter. Their stress should matter. Their comfort should matter. Their emotional well-being should matter.

And that goes both ways.

If your partner comes home exhausted, you should care. If they're upset, you should want to understand why. If something is bothering them, you shouldn't automatically make it about yourself.

Sometimes they don't need you to fix anything. Sometimes they just need you to listen.

And sometimes, loving someone means noticing the little things. The things that made you fall in love with them in the first place.

Remember the beginning?

The checking in.

The random texts.

The affection.

The compliments.

The little surprises.

Wanting to spend time together.

Wanting to make each other happy.

Making an effort because you genuinely wanted to.

So what happens when the relationship gets comfortable?

Why do we sometimes stop doing the very things that made the relationship feel so good in the beginning?

Getting comfortable shouldn't mean stopping your effort.

You don't have to recreate the honeymoon stage forever. But you should continue showing your partner that they're worth the effort.

Because good relationships don't necessarily stay good by accident. They stay good because both people continue to participate in making them good.

And that's where pride comes in.

Sometimes you have to put your pride aside and really look at yourself. Not just at your partner.

Ask yourself:

What am I doing to them?

How do my words make them feel?

How does my behavior affect them?

Am I listening to understand, or am I just waiting for my turn to respond?

And sometimes, the hardest thing you'll ever have to say is:

"I was wrong."

Not:

"I was wrong, but you..."

Not:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Not:

"Well, you did this first."

Just:

"I was wrong. I hurt you. I'm sorry."

That's accountability.

And accountability doesn't make you weak.

It doesn't make you lose an argument.

It doesn't make your partner "win."

It means your relationship is more important to you than your pride.

Because love alone isn't enough.

You can love someone deeply and still hurt them. You can love someone and still make them feel alone. You can love someone and still make them feel unheard. You can love someone and still need to change.

Love is the foundation. But relationships need more than a foundation.

They need communication.

Respect.

Trust.

Honesty.

Boundaries.

Compromise.

Effort.

Accountability.

Affection.

And emotional safety.

A healthy relationship isn't one where two people never hurt each other. It's one where both people care enough to recognize when they've caused hurt and are willing to do something about it.

It's two people who don't just ask, "Do you love me?"

They ask: "Do you feel loved by me?"

And I think that question can change everything.

Because sometimes we love someone exactly the way we know how to love... while completely missing the way they need to be loved.

So maybe a healthy relationship isn't about finding someone who never makes mistakes. Maybe it's about finding someone who is willing to see them, own them, apologize for them, and work on them.

And being willing to do the same.

Because at the end of the day, love isn't just something you feel. Love is something you do.

Until We Speak Again,

A Hopeful Soul

When You Don't Feel Safe Talking To Your Partner

When You Don't Feel Safe Talking to Your Partner

When people hear the words "I don't feel safe talking to my partner," many assume it means physical abuse.

Sometimes it does.

But sometimes...

It means something else entirely.

Sometimes it means you're afraid that every conversation will become an argument.

That every concern will be met with defensiveness.

That your feelings will be dismissed before you've even finished explaining them.

That your words will be interrupted, twisted, or thrown back at you later.

So you stop talking.  

Not because you've stopped caring.  Not because you've run out of things to say.

Because you've started protecting your peace.

You choose silence over another exhausting argument.  You stay in another room.  You wait until they're asleep before you cry.  You tell yourself, "It's not worth bringing up."

Little by little, your home begins to feel less like a place of comfort and more like a place where you're constantly managing conflict before it even starts.

That's a lonely feeling.

Feeling emotionally safe doesn't mean your partner always agrees with you. 

It means you trust that you can bring up difficult subjects without being belittled, mocked, or punished for having feelings.

There should always be a mutual respect, even in disagreements. 

Til We Speak Again, 

A Lonely Soul

If my writing has encouraged you, helped you feel less alone, or simply brightened your day, please consider supporting my work by clicking on the "Buy Me A Coffee" link, located on the right hand side of my page. Thank you.

Leave a comment with your thoughts. Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship? Or are you always walking on eggshells? Let's talk!

Avoiding Conflicts

Sometimes, avoiding conflict isn't about avoiding the conversation. It's about trying to prevent a conversation from becoming an argument.

Most of us have had moments where something or someone irritated us. Maybe not enough to start a fight, but enough that we needed a little time to process it.

So we stay quiet.

Not because we don't care.

Not because we're giving the silent treatment.

But because we're trying to calm ourselves down before we say something we'll regret.

Unfortunately, some people mistake silence for an invitation.

They keep asking.  They keep pushing.

"What's wrong?"

"Are you mad?"

"Just tell me."

"You're always mad good for no reason."

You politely say, "I don't want to argue."  But they don't stop.

Eventually, they push one button too many.

Then you finally react.

Suddenly, you're the problem.

They remember your reaction...

Not the twenty minutes they spent ignoring your request for space.

Here's My Story

The other day was like any other day. Only this time, my partner wanted me to bring him some goodies, to his job, to share with his coworkers. 

I was slightly irritated, but let it go. It was just one time, right? 

We talked, later that night, about the amount of goodies we were going through a week and how much it was costing us. 

We were going to slow down. Or so I thought. 

I even said "don't make this a regular thing." 

We were trying to save money for things needed around the house and other things. 

A second car. Furniture. Clothes. Knick snacks. A possible vacation.

The next day, same thing. 

So, I took him some goodies anyways.

I didn't want to argue about it, with him being at work. But when I arrived, he saw that I was not happy about this. 

We had just discussed this, t he night before.

And when I voiced that to him, he said something along the lines of "I didn't say that. I don't mind how much we go through." 

He twists things to fit his narrative or what he wants to do. 

Then later, when I picked him up from work, he notices that I'm still irritated over the issue. 

But I was quiet. And instead of just giving me space, he starts an argument about it.  

Even when I said we need it for bills, he said I was supposed to take care of it. But how can I when he's spending more than the norm?

But even when I told him multiple times that I don't wanna agrue, he keeps going.

Of course, that pissed me off more. 

And instead of trying to understand what I was telling him...that bills and house should be top priority...he expects me to handle all the bills with the limited money he gives me, along with our habits. 

That's not right.

Granted, he recently got a new job that pays more. But, we can't save money if he's spending more than normal.

Why am I so mad over something this small?

From the outside, it probably seems like I'm upset over goodies. 

I'm not. 

I'm upset because we made a plan together, and it felt like that plan no longer mattered. I'm upset because our priorities suddenly changed without a conversation. And I'm upset because instead of trying to understand why I was frustrated, the focus became my reaction instead of the reason behind it. 

Sometimes the argument isn't really about what's on the surface.

It's about feeling unheard.

It's about broken agreements.

It's about respect.

It's about wanting your partner to stop long enough to ask, 'Help me understand.'

Conflict isn't always unavoidable.

Sometimes it's created by refusing to listen when someone is asking for peace.

Until We Speak Again, 

A Exhausted Soul

If my writing has encouraged you, helped you feel less alone, or simply brightened your day, please consider supporting my work by clicking on the "Buy Me A Coffee" link, located on the right hand side of my page. Thank you.

Leave a comment with your thoughts below. Do you avoid conflicts because you're misunderstood? Need a place to vent? Let's talk!