When we enter a relationship, we spend a lot of time learning the things our partner likes.
We learn their favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite songs, and favorite places to go.
But one of the most important things we can learn is what hurts them.
I'm talking about triggers.
We all have them. Some come from childhood. Some come from past relationships. Some come from traumatic experiences we'd rather forget.
Whether we like it or not, our past often follows us into our present relationships.
For example, I don't like being yelled at.
For someone else, yelling might just be part of an argument.
For me, it can bring back memories of a physically abusive relationship. The moment voices get raised, my brain stops focusing on the current disagreement and starts remembering old wounds.
Another trigger for me is feeling dismissed.
When I'm trying to express my thoughts or feelings and someone cuts me off, changes the subject, or acts uninterested, it doesn't just hurt my feelings in the moment. It can make me feel unloved, unwanted, and insignificant.
Those feelings didn't appear out of nowhere. They're connected to experiences that shaped me. And that's the thing about triggers. Most of the time, they're not about what's happening right now. They're about what happened before.
I don't believe it's a partner's job to heal someone else's trauma. Healing is ultimately our own responsibility. But I do believe it's a partner's responsibility to care.
If someone you love tells you that something hurts them, listen. If they tell you that being yelled at makes them anxious, don't dismiss it. If they tell you that certain words, actions, or behaviors trigger painful memories, don't make fun of them.
Don't weaponize their vulnerabilities. Don't tell them they're being dramatic.
Listen.
Understand.
Care.
Because that's what love does. Love doesn't intentionally push on bruises. Love doesn't say, "That's your problem."
Love says, "I may not fully understand your pain, but I don't want to add to it."
Of course, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. We're all going to accidentally trigger our partners from time to time.
The goal isn't perfection. The goal is effort.
The goal is learning each other's wounds so we can handle each other's hearts more carefully.
To me, that's one of the purest forms of love.
Not knowing someone's favorite color.
Not knowing their coffee order.
Not knowing their favorite movie.
Knowing what hurts them and choosing, every day, not to be the source of that pain.
That's love. Or at least, that's what love should be.
Until We Speak Again,
A Weary Soul
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Leave a comment below. What are some of your triggers? How do you handle them in present situations?